Defining Moments or

Who Am I Anyhow?

I must first acknowledge the first signs of social unrest that is happening as I right. Down around Wall Street they are raising hell. They are demanding action on Jobs, Foreclosures and exposing the economic unfairness as Wall Street keeps giving themselves bonuses. Yes it’s only the beginning. If the right wing nuts start to go through with their threats to dismantle Social Security and Medicare the Wall Street demonstration will just be a warm up. I promise to get back to this. In the meantime let me get this off my chest. How do we learn who we are?

Oh, this is all part of a 94 year old nonagenarian problem. Maybe you have wondered,“who am I and why am I here.”. Somehow once you enter the twilight zone that question becomes more persistent. Maybe it’s a summarizing issue of what kind of a life have I lived? I am sure there a many ways to find answers. I like, “defining moments.” They are the times when we get a real sense of who we are, The first such moment I can recall. (The reader might want to recall your first.)

Mt family starting with my father, mother two sisters were all Bronx Zoo fans. We lived across the street from the entrance. Many a fascinating night I lay awake listening to the lions roar making believe I was in Africa. We saved all out stale bread to feed the animals. Eventually the antelopes would see me coming and the whole bunch would coming up to the fence. Papa said I had to give it evenly so no one would get it all. Each time I went there I would feel on top of the world as this whole field of caged animals would come running. It was a defining moment. I learned about the reward of generosity.

In 1930 I made my first wagon out of some old baby carriage wheels a wooden box and a piece of two by four. Then I added a battery and a car horn arugha arugha. Defining moment. Helping, Smitty the local plumber. He insisted I learn to distinguish the names of all pipe fittings. That lead to my getting a job as a plumbers helper. That brings me to the present issue of how we reward kids?

Sometime in the sixties the notion of building self-esteem took hold of education. That idea suggested that in order for children to have a sense of who they are they needed to be rewarded. What happened as a result of that movement was an explosion of a trophies, for everybody. No matter our team lost the game we got the same trophy as the winners. It was called a win, win situation. Now who do we think we are kidding? Children know who won and who lost. They know when another kid is better than they are. But the worst part of this stuff is that it fails to teach that’s it’s okay to lose but try again next time. Most of all learn from mistakes.

I have been extremely fortunate in my life to have had defining moments right up to now. Speaking on a Bronx street corner 1935 a little old lady comes up to me after my talk. She takes off a Saint Christopher Medal and simply puts it around my neck. “God Bless you son and may Saint Christopher keep you safe.’ My radical comrades look on in astonishment. “Robert we didn’t know, are you religious?” I never said a word just stood there in the moment. I also had nights when I was pelted with garbage. Washed my clothes and went out and tried a different approach.

My son Fred is the lead double bass player in the Madison Symphony. They are playing Mahler’s 2nd the Resurrection. There is a long bass solo. Fred plays it. At the end the hall is on they-re feet in applause. The Conductor asks Fred to take a bow. Fred calls me says, ”Dad don’t know what happened tonight? The music took to me to some other place. I have never played that well before.” Ahaa, a defining moment. I'm sure it helps him understand who he is.

Working with a bunch of Juvenile Delinquents in 1964 at Mobilization for Youth it struck me very early on that these 16 to 20 year olds simply have never experienced any positive achievements. Our job was to create work projects that were learning related. Our work crews renovated an old tenement building on east 10th street. Locals told me that on the weekends our kids brought their girlfriends to show off their accomplishment.

I’m in New Mexico visiting my daughter. She is singing in a Mexican Night Club. I am in the audience. She sings Jalisco. The people at my table are insisting she must be from Mexico. I can’t resist and say no she’s from the Bronx. They don’t believe me. “She can’t sing that way from the Bonx” Well, she does because of time spent in Mexico listening and absorbing the culture. The dollar bills are flowing down on her like snowflakes. She looks even more surprised than her visiting father. Defining moment.

My Great Grandson Soren now 3 is learning to speak. I am,told what he enjoys most is when he makes up a new word and can announce it for an hour. The beginning of defining moments. What do we need to do to help children develop self esteem? Support them in their struggle to become whatever it is that requires real investment on their part.When it happens they will have a true sense of achievement. We defeat their whole experience when we give them trophies for losing because we think it makes them feel good.

Feel good may be the opposite of any sense of accomplishment. Maybe the present educational craze of test passing falls into the same category. Pass the test you get a trophy. Wether or not anything was learned is an entirely different question.

Might try a little experiment of your own. Write down a sheet of paper the defining moments in your life. You might be surprised. My best RS